Dear Diary, Love Frodo
by tuxiedog2
Summary: Take a peek into Frodo's mind as he takes his journey to Mordor by reading his diary that we stole - oops, I mean borrowed! Includes events not recorded in either the books or movies - such as the reason Sam now has a big bump on his head!
1. IntroductionThe Adventure Begins

DEAR DIARY, LOVE FRODO  
  
Introduction  
  
One day while rummaging through some of Bilbos old possessions deciding which ones he should throw in the fire and which ones were worth keeping, Frodo Baggins came across an old blank book bound with leather. Figuring he could find some use for it, he tossed it to the side instead of into the fire. Later that day he shoved it into the bottom of a chest where it remained for quite a few years.  
  
The Adventure Begins  
  
Dear Diary,  
Ive decided to make this old, crummy book a diary because I need someone to complain to! Stupid Gandalf broke into my house last night and totally freaked me out when I was coming back from a party with Sam. He asked if it was secret and safe. Im thinking WHAT? to myself because I had no idea what the heck it was. Then I suddenly thought of my most valued possession: the love letter Sam gave to me three months ago! Without even wondering how Gandalf knew about it, I rummaged through my old chest to look for it. I pulled it out and handed it to Gandalf. The old fart tossed it into the fire! My precious letter! Up in smoke! I started to sob and Gandalf told me to shut up and stop bawling like a baby. He said it was metal and there was no need to worry about it. I said WHAT? to myself again because my letter sure as heck wasnt metal! What are you talking about? I asked. You mean that thing I threw in the fire wasn't the Ring? Gandalf asked. No! I sobbed. Thats the love letter that Sam wrote me! I knew you too were more than just friends, said Gandalf. But just get the friggin Ring! I rummaged through my chest yet again and found you, diary. I picked you up and stared at you. Today, friggin hobbit! cried Gandalf. So I shoved you to the side and pulled out the envelope containing the Ring. Gandalf threw that in the fire, too. Sheesh, what had this man been drinking? So he takes the Ring out of the fire and blah blah blah...I couldn't give a darn about what he was saying so I didnt really listen. But the one part I did catch was that I'd have to leave home and run off to some mountain place. PU-LEEZ! I like Bag End, thank you very much! Then Gandalf found Sam hiding under my windowsill, listening to our whole conversation! I mean, Sam, I love you and all, but sometimes I'd like a little space! Then it hit me - if I had to leave home, would I ever see Sam again? I mean I can't even live a day without looking into his beautiful eyes. But thankfully the old fart punished Sam by making him come with me. Punishment? What kind of punishment is that? Im not complaining! Maybe Sam will be able to write me another love letter! Cool! Anyway, got to go. Gandalf's making me pack.  
  
Your love letter-less friend,  
Frodo 


	2. The Adventure Continues

***Please note*** If you notice any spelling mistakes, punctuation mistakes, or grammatical errors, consider it just one of Frodo's stupid mistakes. Hey, I'm just retyping what he wrote, okay? We all know hobbits aren't the sharpest tools in the shed, right?  
  
The Adventure Continues  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Sometimes I wonder about things. For example: what is the meaning of life? Why is the sky blue? Why do birds chirp instead of moo? And why does Sam enjoy singing annoying songs all the time? So we're hiking on our way to Bree, right? And Sam decides that he wants to sing some really stupid song about a trout. I love Sam and all but, sheesh, what kind of person would sing a song about a trout? They're fish for crying out loud! We eat fish, not worship them! So this singing went on until Sam had sung this song about twenty times when I lost it. I lost it! I took my frying pan out of my pack and held it up threateningly. I told Sam that if he didn't shut up soon, he would be looking forward to a big bump on his head, bigger than Bilbo's birthday party. Apparently he didn't take the hint and went on singing. I lost my patience and knocked him over the head with the pan. He went limp, and then collapsed to the ground. Looking around to check whether anyone was watching, I bent down and checked for a pulse. Unfortunately - uh, I mean thankfully - I could feel one. I dragged him over to the side of the road and propped him against a tree. I figured it would be a good time for second breakfast, so I took some bacon out of my pack and fried it up using the same pan that had knocked him cold. And here I am now, siting here eating bacon next to a maniac who's out cold. If he wakes up, I'll tell him he tripped and hit his head on a rock or something. He's so crazy over me he won't even question what I say.  
  
You're totally annoyed hobbit friend, Frodo  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Will strange things ever stop happening? Sam woke up after about an hour later. (I told him the tripping and landing on a rock story and thankfully he believed me) We started to walk again and Sam decided that he was bored with singing. As I always say, the best way to change somebody's mind is with a frying pan. So we're walking through Farmer Faggot's - uh, I mean Maggot's - fields when all of a sudden we're bombarded by two more maniacs bursting through the corn stalks. Sam screamed bloody murder until we realized that it was just Merry and Pippin. They told us to run because Farmer Faggot - uh, Maggot - was chasing them because they had stolen some of his stuff. Sam asked Isn't it only a few crops? Merry responded with a sly smile. He and Pippin outstretched their hands to reveal a gold watch, some diamond jewelry, a big ruby ring, several coins, and a book titled Pina Coladas. So we ran and ran and ran until we got to the road. Big Oaf Sam decided that he wanted to trip and fall on his face right then and there. Due to the fact that he was running in the front of all of us, we all tripped on him and fell flat on our faces as well. We all lied sprawled in the middle of the road when I heard a noise. It sounded like a cow. Get off the road! I told them. A cow's coming! They didn't listen to me, so I cried Get off the road you friggin hobbits! I was starting to sound like Gandalf. Fine, Mr. Touchy! said Pippin and they rolled off to the side. Then, what do you know, a big black cow came wandering down the road with some strange dude on its back. This dude was so strange! He was wearing some black sheet. I smelled cologne and thought to myself WHAT? Cologne? This doesn't look like a guy who would wear cologne! Anyway, he continued down the road and Sam was all like Wow! That was a close one! Then Merry yelled Run! I don't know why he wanted us to run. Personally, I think he has a fear of cows. Or maybe it's a fear of cologne. Anyway, we ran. Merry said to me That black rider was looking for something - or someone...Frodo? I'm all like Me? Why would he be looking for me? He said I don't know, but you sure acted strange around him. Then Pippin squealed in my face Maybe you LIKE him! This didn't make Sam happy. He said I thought you were MY man! For the rest of the day, he wouldn't talk to me. I tried to explain that that wasn't the case, but he wouldn't listen to me. Now I won't ever get my love letter! This world is so friggin confusing! Ahhh! I'm starting to sound like Gandalf again - he always uses the word friggin! I hope that I won't turn old and ugly if I keep using that word!  
  
Your friggin hobbit friend, Frodo 


	3. The Hobbits Reach the Land of Cheese

Author's Note - Okay, I know this fic is really stupid. I KNOW. I'm just writing it because I'm bored. Please leave reviews whether they're good or bad. I'll like any! Thanks!  
  
Dear Diary, Love Frodo  
  
The Hobbits Reach the Land of Cheese  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
So we get to this weird town, Bree. All of a sudden, I get this huge craving for cheese. It's strange: I've never been much of a cheese fan before, but now all I want to eat is cheese. So we get to the Prancing Cheese - uh, Pony - and the innkeeper asks me what we want. I said that we wanted cheese. Sam said 'WHAT?' I realized my mistake and said 'I mean - a room.' Then he asked me what my name was and I said 'Cheese - uh, I mean Underhill.' What is with me? I've never liked cheese really. It always gives me gas. So we get our nice little room and we go out for a drink. There's this weird guy who reminds my of 'Mr. I-Ride-a-Cow-and-Wear-Too- Much-Cologne.' Then stupid Pippin pointed at me and said 'This guy's name is not Underhill. It's not Cheese, either.' I said 'WHAT? You stupid friggin hobbit!' He continued 'It's Baggins.' Then I stopped. My name is Baggins? And why was I not aware of that this whole time? I always thought it was Frodo. 'I guess I'm not the most colorful crayon in the box,' I say to myself. And then I'm really confused: Pippin says 'Wow! Look how red your face is, Frodo!' I thought my name was Baggins! AHHH! This world is so confusing! What's more, that strange dude picks me up and drags me upstairs. I'M SO CONFUSED! SOMEBODY HELP ME! AHHHHH!  
  
Your totally confused hobbity friedd, Baggins Baggins (or is it Frodo Baggins? AHHH!)  
  
Sorry this one was kind of short. I may be stopping here until I get some reviews. So REVIEW! Please! 


	4. Hot Dog Toppings, Scar Stories, and Stra...

*Author's Note * - Thank you guys SO much for the reviews! Previously, I had none so I figured you all hated it. But then I got 12 reviews! 12! I was overjoyed! So you DON'T hate it after all! (Well, at least not all of you!) Some quick info in regards to your reviews: - I'm sorry about the whole no "s, all one paragraph thing, but at the time  
I was having issues uploading anything. Any "s came up as weird symbols  
and made it almost impossible to read it. So I did this to make it  
easier for you to read, okay? Sorry for any inconvenience. - No, Legolas will not be gay. But nobody says he won't act it...  
*tuxiedog2 throws head back and laughs like a maniac* - Get this straight for all of you Lij fans out there: I do not believe  
that he is gay. End of story. I don't even really think that Frodo is.  
I just make him gay in a few of my stories to make it interesting (not to  
mention to tick some of my friends off!) Get it? Elijah Wood =  
straight. Frodo = straight or gay, depending on my mood. If you're not  
convinced, read my other story "The Attack Of the Lord of the Rings  
Fans." My character is Joe. You will understand. - I can't wait for the Council of Elrond, either! It will be  
interesting... - In case you're wondering, Frodo tried to sue JRR Tolkien for changing  
around the story and not adding some of the more interesting parts, but  
frankly nobody cared. They thought Tolkien's story was a lot more  
interesting. Frodo was pissed. I wrote this chapter WEEKS ago but haven't come around to putting it up thanks to the fact that my modem was broken! Also note that school will be starting for me soon and I won't be able to update as often as I'd like.  
  
Without further ado...the story!  
  
Dear Diary, Love Frodo  
  
Hot Dog Toppings, Scar Stories and Strange Names  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
So I'm sitting with that guy, Strider, that reminded me of that cow guy and I'm pretty freaked out. I think Merry rubbed off onto me a bit: I don't think I like cows too much anymore. Then Sam comes barging into the room screaming "He's my man!" The dude told him that he had a stout heart. Sam said "No! I don't like that stuff on my hot dogs! I don't want a heart like it! Get this guy away from me!" Stupid Sam. "Sam!" I said. "Stout heart, not kraut heart." "Okay," he said. I guess Sam likes sauerkraut just as much as Merry likes cows and cologne. I don't know why: it's awfully delicious! So eventually we find out that this Strider dude wants us to sleep with him in his room instead of in our hobbit rooms. I asked why. "The 'cow dudes,'" he replied. "Uh...okay," I answered. Whatever. This guy confuses me. "Their real name is the Nazgul," he added. "And they don't ride cows, they ride horses. They want the Ring." "Why?" I asked. "They are servants of Sauron! Duh," he said. "It was in the job outline: As a servant of Sauron, you will have to rescue my precious Ring from friggin hobbits at any given time." The word friggin! It's everywhere! What gives? Well, I should go. Strider wants us to set up our 'beds', a.k.a. rags spread on the floor to resemble a pathetic mattress, sheets, and pillow.  
  
Your friend who loves sauerkraut but not cows, Frodo Baggins  
  
p.s. I found out that my first name is Frodo, not Baggins. Sam assured me of this. I swear he knows more about me than I do.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Whoa. This is too much. It's a good thing that we slept with Strider, because otherwise we would have been shredded to a pulp. The Nazgul (I still prefer to call them the Cow Dudes) went into our hobbit room and started attacking the beds that thankfully we weren't sleeping in. If we WERE sleeping in them, I sure would have a lot of scar stories to tell to my grand kids. ("This one...and this one, and this one, and this one, etc., I got when I was attacked by the Cow Dudes at the Prancing Cheese - uh, Pony - in Bree." "Wow, Grandpa! Those mush have been mad cowboys!" "DUDES, kids, DUDES. Not 'cowboys'.") Then Strider said we should leave at once. We got ourselves a pony and went off. Sam has become very attached to the pony, who he named Bill. He's always whispering things to it and brushing its coat and stuff. I think that he's trying to make me jealous. He still isn't convinced that I'm not in love with that Cow Dude. Sam, that Cow Dude is WAY too freaky for anyone to love. Seriously, he wears a black sheet and cologne. FREAKY. Anyway, we're now on the trail on our way to some random place called Weathertop. Strange name. Well, everything these days has a strange name: Bree, Nazgul, Strider, Sam...seriously! What kind of a name is SAM? It's so WEIRD and DIFFERENT! What kind of hobbit parent would put their kid through that agony? I'm glad I have a normal name at least. Hmm...I'm oin the mood for bacon. I hope we can eat some when we get to Weathertop. Strider wouldn't let us eat second breakfast this morning. I bet he wants to save all the food for himself. What he needs is NOT food - it's a bottle of good, salon-quality shampoo. I still want bacon.  
  
Your bacon-craving hobbit friend, Frodo "Bacon-Craver" Baggins 


End file.
